L.J. Holmes

L.J. Holmes
In her many Guises.

Monday, September 22, 2008

And the Winner of the 2nd Weekly McQuack Award Goes is... a TIE!!!

There is no way one could win without the continual support and yearly advertisement of the other.

Let's start with the Cutie Pie of pseudo-medical expertise and media savvy, that twinkling billboard for all things bubbly, Dr. Katie Couric McQuack. Dr. Katie, admittedly has an honorable reason for her yearly foray into exposing the "wonders" of all things COLONOSCOPY. Who else would fairly glow while having a tube the size of a nuclear missile shoved up her anal orifice for all the world to see? Makes you wonder what anesthesia they give her,cause it sure ain't the same stuff they give the rest of us...and this I know because I been there, and yes done that...not once...but twice.

Let me explain...

Way back when Dino, Pebbles Flintstone's faithful family retainer was still chasing bones that she and Bamm Bamm tossed with delicious glee, I was sent to my first Bum Plugger. Twilight Sleep, he told me was where I would be sent...a comfortable place while he mined for nuggets that I felt sure I wanted no part of him actually mining for. However, he said it WAS important. Why do doctors...McQuacks especially ALWAYS tell us just how VERY, VERY, VERY important it is that they do these nasty things to us?

Lying there with my vulnerable cheeks quivering with trepidation, the exploration begins. It's not too bad...at first. O.K. it's getting a bit...tight...wait a minute...that's a twinge of pain...NOW JUST A FREAKING MINUTE! TWILIGHT MY ASS!!!! LITERALLY!!!! HELL NO!!!!

Five years later...at least it seems like five years later, after my tongue has finally been released from that damned probe and Dr. Rotor Rootering McQuack has retracted the probe and removed himself from the room as well...(I think he was afraid of what I might punch if he was still in the room when I finally got enough strength back to sit up.), I rise. My legs collapsed beneath me.

And THIS was under anesthesia! The same anesthesia that Dr. Katie Couric McQuack got on TV? I don't think so!!!!

My next one...I wasn't even supposed to get a colonoscopy...I was there because I've got a weak sphincter muscle. You guys when the doctor has his finger up your bum and tells you to squeeze, you could rip his arm from the socket. Me, when I squeeze, he tells me, "You can start squeezing any time now.", so you get the picture?

Anyway, they have this glove that has electrodes that shoot little bursts of current that tests the nerves to find out how much nerve impulses your have. It's kind of an EEG or an EMG for the Butt. That was ALL I was supposed to have...so I had NO anesthesia at all.

But I guess whenever a Rotor Rootering doctor has a patient in this vulnerable position, he cannot help but give into the temptation to forge ahead.

A colonoscopy under twilight anesthesia was horrendous enough...but without ANY...let's just say I have told my Primary physician that I will have another colonoscopy over my dead body. Thank you most profoundly Dr. Rotor Rootering McQuack for furthering the benevolence of your Speciality.

As for Dr. Katie...you praised VIRTUAL Colonoscopies...which are NOT available to those of us who cannot afford to pay for them on our own..(insurance companies won't pay for them at all)...and if they show up anything, we STILL have to then submit to the barbarism of the old fashioned "I am going to drill for black gold all the way up until your eyes pop out of their sockets" method anyway.

Therefore, until I can perform it on the doctor that means to perform it on me first, there's no way I am ever letting another Rotor Rootering McQuack anywhere near my bum, and Katie, if you must show your own on TV at least do the world the service of being TOTALLY honest about what the AVERAGE man and woman will have to endure...not just the rich and famous.

So to Dr.'s Katie Couric McQuack and all the Dr.'s Rotor Rootering McQuack's out there I bestow upon you the Second Weekly McQuack Award, and assure you that you truly live up to its prestige.


mike arsuaga said...

Amen, Sis. Those things are nasty.

mike arsuaga said...

Right on, sis. Colostomies are nasty little necessities. Did I say "little" out loud?

mike arsuaga said...

Right on,Sis.

Heather Haven said...

Ouch! Ouch!! Ouch!!! Need i say more?

Larion aka Larriane Wills said...

my MD ordered one of those. had the appointment all set then they called to say my insurance wouldn't pay, told me how much i would have to, and i canceled. told the MD. he handed me a packet instead, one of those play in your poo and smear a card things. if card and stick told for practically nothing if the nasty invasion was necessary why jump from step one to step three if not for money? ummmmm?

Lin said...

Because they went to medical school so they could charge you for the pain they sooo enjoy inflicting. I say only this...OVER MY DEAD BODY.